Perspective

So the title of this post was going to be 'Nobody cares' but that's way more pessimistic and unhappy for what I was actually thinking of. This is supposed to be some logical writing that'll ground me and make me feel better in the long run.

Over the past week I've slumped back into my normal(?) thoughts of self hate and wishing I was someone else. So last week I trash talked some kids about basketball in front of that guy (idiot) and already slapped myself mentally for that. So the day after that we had our weekly basketball and we ended up playing against the other final team that we had never seen before. Fucking. Buff. Asians. Oh my god we got ripped. Score was like 56 to 23 or something like that? Ughhhhhhhh. Worst thing was that I did nothing. Normally I don't mind when we lose as long as I feel like I did my best, but when we lose and I don't do shit it gives me the worst feeling ever. It feels like basketball back in KGV last year or highschool where I could definitely do shit while playing against friends, but whenever I'd get to a real game or something I'd just freeze and fail. "Stunned mullet" comes to mind.

DERP DERP

Add to the fact that the other team finished early and came to watch us and he was watching too. Oh my god. That day I couldn't serve playing volleyball as well. Other small things. Offered a hand when he fell and he ignored (didn't notice) it. Also was talking some rubbish today in front of him as well.

So now the point of this post is that he (and most other people) don't care. No one cares about these small things that only I blow massively out of proportion. No one gives a shit if you answered something about the funny other island in Hong Kong incorrectly. No one gives a shit if you suck at xyz (well as much as you make it out anyway) even if you said xyz (realistically they'd make some snide remark in their head then leave it). If they did care it would be so passing as to be insignificant. This is, of course, assuming you don't do it often and make yourself out to be a complete douchebag but the point still remains. They most probably. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

Who cares Felix? Nobody cares!

Quote from a jerk (jokes)

On a side note, I don't want to give off the vibe that I'm obssessed, have fallen for, any other overcome by blah verb for the guy. Well, it's definitely a lot better than before. In the end, even if he did care about the retarded shit he sees me do it wouldn't matter because in religious eyes I am wrong, ie nothing would ever happen anyway because he's straight . Doesn't mean the world is over.

'By His Grace'. So the optom kids (those that were religious anyway) had their own CBS talk on the 'Has God Failed?' topics since we'd always have lectures. I went along just to be respectful to my friends who were Christian but since I've been there before and all that there wasn't really anyway way I'd be deeply moved or anything. I ended up dozing off a bit in the middle of it... GFG so much for showing respect you retard. Lovehandles (lol..) nudged me and was like 'wake up!' Whoops...

 At the end of it there was some discussion about the talk and they were approaching people who weren't Christian (since this was an evangelical talk afterall) and trying to provoke them into deeply considering what they said. So LH goes 

'What did you think about the talk?' 

'I've heard all that stuff before, used to go to church, so it doesn't really make a difference to me.'  

'How come you stopped going?'

'For my own reasons.'

And the subject was dropped. But what more should I expect? The guys in optom who I used to go to church with have never really asked me about it either which Squa (lol... lets see if these names stick) told me I should be thankful for, but from my point of view it's somewhat of a failure on their part. Maybe I want to go back to church or something. Then again being put to sleep during the talk may indicate otherwise. I listened to the rest of the discussion but didn't really feel I could say anything as my beef with it was along the lines of...

If you knew everything, why the hell did you make me gay? Why do I have to suffer this much more compared to everyone else?

This could be something along the lines of

If you knew everything, why did you create sin? etc etc.

And then my religious reasoning goes on from there. Bah I'll write more about it later. Sleep time.