Second Opinion

So I'm feeling stupid now.

Yesterday our volleyball game got cancelled so we ate out dumplings. I mention to the kids at dinner that my parents were gone and M goes 'Let's have hotpot at Felix's place!'

Being the shifty/ desperate/ loser/ lack of human contact/ loser homofag that I am, I thought in my mind 'Hey if I invited M and other cool kids over I'd also be able to ask LY to come along.'

Next day rolls over and I ask some of the cool kids (who are a lot easier to talk to) if they wanted to come over but they were busy. Oh well idm. I see LY afterwards and don't ask. Just couldn't.

After debate I'm hanging around them (other kids disappeared somewhere) and it felt god damn awkward. Felt like a follower and so I was like 'yeah... I'm going to meet someone' with no one in mind at all, just to get out of the situation. Biggest loser feeling ever.

Run off to asb tagging along with Shota and Steph wondering if I could call other kids up to come over because I felt pretty hung up at the time. There I find out that S doesn't like LY. He's even approached her on the topic. Apparently he said

'Noticed we don't talk often. I know some girls find it hard to approach me.'

Which had me laughing so much. Then I think I like a guy like this. Really? REALLY. I've known Steph for quite a while so I'm not doubting her but maybe this second opinion that he could be an arrogant dick will throw him out of my head or something. It's also got me feeling even more of a fool, that (he thinks? nah probs true) all these girls would go after him and I'm just another one of them. Except I'm a guy. Which makes it even worse. Fuck.

I also feel horrible for putting on hotpot and shit like that after I don't get the balls to ask optom kids or something. It does make me feel like I'm shoving them on second but I'm doing it coz I like someone in that group. While this doesn't excuse it at all, it does explain my stupidity, patheticness and complete fuckwittyness.

Bought some vodka to tone down my self hate a bit. I don't think it works that way though.

I have a misery buddy in Abs who I told about LY yesterday. Not that he's ever miserable (I mean his attitude would never allow for that I hope). He says another semester with LY and I'll get sick of him. I hope so.

Also apparently Steph's girls know I'm gay. I don't know how but at least it's them and I don't really care too much.

There's also another gay guy in optom. I have an idea who it is and if I'm right then that's pretty cool. Not that I'm interested though. It just feels less isolatey in my course now.

I told abs that hopefully I can just be happy with it all in the end. I guess that's what I'm shooting for huh? Hm, time to do my disease assignment.