Not as crazy this time

So I put this back to nothing. But I still don't get it.

Pretty sure you're not clueless and stupid. Pretty sure you can work things out even if I say nothing. So why would you do as you do? Why else would I let you? Though to be honest it could easily be nothing. Then again I leave someone else to people she doesn't really talk much with without effort. Dah.

Well if it wasn't obvious before, I'm sure you could tell after my slip yesterday so I really wouldn't mind if you  acted differently again since that time we ate. It'd definitely leave me thinking less of silly things and more on... something else. But it is nice to have these sorts of distractions. Better than thinking about being alone...

Which reminds me more of how much I don't want to be alone. I don't even know if I actually like the guy, or if I'm just grasping at any sort of chance to possibly go out with someone. ie desperate. I have a list of things I know I don't want. 


- I don't want to be clubbing when I'm 40
- Don't want to have an older white boyfriend because I can't get anyone my age and need protecting (wtf)
- Don't want to be those people who constantly hook up

Thought I had a bigger list but turns out I don't. I was looking around on grindr today (bad...) and got a message saying 'cute' from a 32 year old guy with the name 'rice lover'. Sure, what do I expect from grindr, but that's not what I'm going for really.

Also my brother brought his girlfriend over today and they were just sleeping/ cudding in his bed. If my family were a typical conservative asian family he'd have his head chopped off. I can admit I'm jealous. As well as everyone else who's in a relationship. How petty.

I get into a pretty bleak mood over this stuff. I don't think I have anything interesting to say. I reckon I'm pretty boring and without a sense of humor. He showed me something the other day which I just told him was stupid. I don't laugh much and I'm also kinda a loser and social retard. Maybe I'm just building myself up to be forever alone. That's no good.

Aha I remember thinking about someone and reckoning they'd have no balls to ask someone out, but I reckon I'm a hypocrite about that. There's no way I'd ask a guy out, or even ask around the topic (which is pretty evident now). I'd just hope he'd make the first move because I'm hugely afraid of getting rejected in the case of them just not feeling the same way or even hugely more because they're straight. That terrifies me for some unknown reason. I think I'm still thinking of it as a secret, or something to be ashamed of. I don't mind other people knowing but it's not something I'd feel comfortable ever putting forward.

I talk here and keep to myself. Hmmmmm.................

I won't know who I'm talking about in a years time. Hopefully it means none of you do either.