Tomorrow uni starts. I'm not ecstatic but I'm not exactly dreading it either. It'll be good to see people and talk a bit as well as get my mind occupied. The holidays have left me with too much to think about when there's nothing there. Too much time for my mind to create things. And those things just break me.
Look at this, so vague and unspecific even when no one else can access this blog.
I wonder why I am unable to keep close friends over a long period of time. And when I thought about it over the holidays I guess the problems always just been me. There's nothing wrong with Brian, Anthony, Adrian or Shota; I just wanted more from them. I always expect more from these sorts of people and it has made me tell myself over and over again that I have to be independent.
I'm making progress towards this independence thing though! I have not been wallowing in self pity and regret this whole holidays (although a large portion of it was devoted to that I guess). I am in the process of getting a job at luxottica which should get me financially independent. That's a start I guess. I'm guessing if I end up becoming independent in heaps of other ways then eventually I'll be able to be independent in a social/ emotional way and not have to rely on people or want to.
Despite that, sometimes I do get dreams of talking to Shota and just patching things up. They leave me pretty sad afterwards but I tell myself he's probably better off without talking to me. God knows most people are. Of course thinking like this isn't healthy at all! Whatever.
So I'm telling myself to go gym tomorrow at 8, which is slightly earlier than 730. 6 Hours sleep hmm. This won't go well.
I'll totally be fine alone.
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