Self Appreciation

Ah it's been a while I guess. Uni has started again and going gym during the day leaves me incredibly exhausted for the rest of the day that I sleep whenever I get home. No idea how this will pan out once I actually get some work that needs to be handed in or study done, but it's worked out okay in previous semesters so it should all be fine.

So yesterday I rediscovered a blog I followed that got shut down by blogger for some reason or another.

Seriously.
Made.
My.
Day.

The guy writes hilariously with a self deprecating (this reminds me of Orwell) way and also has quite a few stories that are pretty moving (to me at least). It's hella entertaining. I think I'll chuck a few links to the right if I bother to figure out how to do that jazz. Reading the stuff sometimes makes me think, why do I even bother writing about my stuff. It's more or less the same rubbish about ToG, self bashing, going gym, more self bashing, or how everything is soso and good. It's a structureless brain vomit, but then again, wasn't that the intent? This place is where I write for myself and if you guys happen to bother reading this, well good for you. Of course if you guys have any input it would actually be appreciated since none of you actually bring up any of the stuff here (is there any stuff here?) When I discuss my shit it is still very vague and maybe that's not enough to prompt anything. It is quite rare though for anyone to ask me how I'm going with things. Of the people who know I'm gay, no one really touches the topic ever. Then again maybe that's normal.

Then again what's normal? I always find myself comparing and that's played a major role in my life until now. Up throughout highschool major thoughts that would repeat in my head were along the lines of 'why couldn't I be as smart as ...', 'why didn't I start earlier like...' or 'why couldn't I be as good at (some sport) as ...). While this did push me to try better it probably has made me the blob of self esteem that I am now. When someone gives me a compliment my usual response is 'shut up', which is probably not a good thing. And now there's the on and off again thought of 'Why couldn't I be straight like everyone else'. Oh god that was a fucking big one. That thought doesn't really get me anywhere or make me try harder at anything besides hating myself so there's no plus side at all. I remember playing Tactics Ogre (I'm so fucking cool) on an emulator during high school. The character's were talking about 'Why do people compare themselves to each other?' and the other dude goes 'It gives them a way to justify their existence (or something along those lines.. whatever). I think I took that somewhat to heart... not especially good and still slapping me about somewhat.

What else has shaped me? This sounds like some sort of analysis for a piece of literature or something (something I somewhat miss but it's probably only due to nostalgia). Seeing as I can be as self absorbed as I want here might as well. In high school I count myself for having 3 or 4 close friends. Although I always seemed to have some sort of falling out with them because I'd expect things from them and probably had some ridiculous notion of a 'best friend' that they were supposed to fit into and adhere to.This and me being crazy probably lead to whatever problems I had with those guys, and as a result its lead me to believe I'm some sort of dependent mushy mush kind of person although whether this remains to be true... I don't know really. It's also made me slightly annoyed and paranoid whenever someone applies the word best friend in my immediate surround. It's like... if the other person doesn't feel the same then you get this mega one sided awkward that can only deteriorate. If someone calls me a best friend it'd make me feel like I have some sort of commitment they expect me to fulfil. I guess I have commitment issues (of some sort... probably not really but it makes me sound like my dramas are larger than they are).

Because I need a picture

That's really all I have to say. I can't really think of anything else besides if you do make some sort of commitment to me I'll hold you to it and be incredibly pissed if you don't follow up on it (big things of course...  if I was mega pissed at people being late then I wouldn't have many friends).

I've finally gotten a less homosexual ringtone. Having my phone sing 'why don't you want me like the other boys do' in the guys change room was the deal breaker really. Now I have Adele's rumour has it. I'm pretty sure it is slightly less homosexual.

Today, went up the lift to the LGBT place on campus. Whoo achievement (yeah I'm a pansy). Was gonna ask one of the guys to come along with my because of my pansiness but they all seemed occupied today. Something I can do myself. I walked out of the lift, took the turn, heard voices inside then decided to go back down the lift. Ugh. How silly.

That's it really.