So this morning I saw Derryn and Brian Lon(?). Of course, neither of these times I said hi. Even if one of them is a friend on facebook or something, I wouldn't go out of my way to say hi. Thinking about this, I wondered if this thing about me made me an asshole or some antisocial bastard and then I realized that this thing works both ways as well. If they saw me why didn't they say hi either. Maybe they're an asshole or something too! That can't be possible or else something like the world would be full of assholes.
Oh I see now.
I also waved at Helen today. I think she was walking with Bo or it could have been Jennifer Ma. What was odd is that this second person waved back even though I didn't recognize her. If it was jennifer ma then she is a people slut for waving back to me. I'm so nasty. Apparently she said loserish things about Luke and Shota in the not too distant past. lulz
My dog is barking outside and it is annoying.
I cannot take compliments for some reason. People in optom see me as smart but if they say something that refers to that my usual response is something like 'oh you're full of crap'. To people who don't know me really well, I guess this could also make me look like an asshole. There's this inner paranoia in me that people will think half the shit I do makes me an asshole, or I look like a retard, or something or rather. My rational self now tells me 'as if they'd give a fuck'. If only I could command the attention of so many people every time I thought these kind of things. That'd make me some sort of superstar. What lols.
Along with this paranoia, I felt as though my shirt was too short and my pants too high today. Or my shirt was too baggy and didn't fit me. And I was acutely aware that I needed to suck in my stomach a bit and that my pants weren't too comfortable. Also of my shirt being lopsided either due to having a back like a retard of my bag. Wow three lines just on what I was wearing today. I need to calm my farms (haven't heard that in a while). Other people said it was fine though.
Hmm I see other tall guys around sometimes and it just makes me sigh. I've seen Warren quite a few times and just seeing people like him make me jealous. Even though I am tall like him I am not
- coordinated/ good at sport
- good looking
- confident
- straight
Oh wow that was a pretty short list. I thought I'd have a lot more to rant about. Basically whenever I see someone who looks tall and athletic alarms go ringing in my head and the little voice screams 'why couldn't that be meeeee'. Now of course this is silly because I could look at every other guy or something and bitch about that, but I only notice it in other tall guys. Hrum.
The first one kicks me a bit. Why didn't I stick to a sport in highschool. I am certain (or rather I tell myself a lot) that if I had put in the effort into something like basketball or volleyball I could have been amazing. I mean I get a few shots in and it just feels right, like I could do it whenever. But in highschool I always kept myself from getting involved in the junior years because I was under the impression that everyone who did a sport also did it in primary school and thus were amazing and I shouldn't bother trying at all. IDIOT
I had a period in year 12 when I wanted to do athletics or at least go sprint training but I was too scared of what other people would think of me. Maybe this is slightly less idiot. But why didn't I get more involved? I had no one I knew in year 7 and that was a tough year I guess, but still. I'm the type of person that needs some sort of pushing to do begin things but afterwards I can sustain myself. But why? I'm sounding like Shane now. WHYYYY?!?!?! I sincerely regret not doing more sport in high school. That might've helped with self esteem issues too. Sigh.
After that rant and moving onto the next point, how I wish I was better looking. Meh. Fishlips googley eyes and a receding chin. Maybe even hairline QQ. Not much. Oh this reminds me. One time in church Brian Lau and Natasha were judging people and they go up to me and tell me 'You're ugly to average'. Wow fuck thanks. I never forget these kinds of things really. That's an issue. Oh I also have a bazillion missing teeth. What lulz.
Self confidence. Nothing to write about there. Maybe I let myself get shat on too much in high school. NO! I totally reckon it was because I depended too much on others, maybe even looked up to them too much and whenever I was let down it crushed me a bit. Oh now this is sounding a bit mental. loool. It's not like highschool was bad or anything but I felt a huge pressure to stay competitive with everyone else, espcially when I was hanging with Brian Anthony and Adro (not at the same time I guess). I'd just feel incredibly stupid when I was probably doing fine. I remember on many occassions repeating in my head 'I don't want to fail', something I picked up from watching evangelion where they repeat in their fetal position 'I don't want to die'. Now that's a worrying comparison lol.
Yes, I am incredibly jealous of other straight guys just for being normal. Normal is something I've repeated in my head a bajillion times. Out of all the people that you know, why did it have to be YOU that's different. Why YOU. Is this some game that you play just so you can be different from everyone else. Why different this way. Dammit. Nothing good has so far happened as a result of being gay so I see this trait as a failure. Instead I get awkward conversations of how people ask me if there are any girls that I like or people telling me how they ask 'how come felix doesn't have a girlfriend' and while this is lols it is also somewhat painful.
And so I think, if I was straight everything would be better. In fact, if I was straight maybe I'd have less self confidence issues. Maybe I would've done more sport in high school. Maybe I'd be able to talk to more guys instead of being some distant, cold asshole dude when instead I'm just jealous of how they're normal, unconflicted and better looking than me. I know it's incredibly silly to just tag all my bitching and whining on being gay but whatever.
Wow the above is so messed up. No wonder they stopped talking to me. That's just silly
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