Deal

I don't want to deal with this.
So I've been questioning why I'm always looking unhappy.
There's nothing obviously wrong on the outside.
I don't feel normal among everyone else.
There's nothing wrong with being gay.
But I don't want to be gay.
Why does it make me feel so different.
I don't want to like guys knowing I have zero chance at all.
I don't want to deal with it.

Just to spread my thought vomit more evenly over this blog.

I'm killing myself repeatedly on the thought that the guy (and the next whatever number) that I like is straight. This is not constructive obviously. Even if one of those guys were to be gay, I'm sure they wouldn't see past the huge amount of self pity and hatred (ooh big word) I have to get to anything more. No one likes someone who pities them self (apparently it's two words in the spell checker). I mean if they're already pitying them self, why should anyone else have to? I can tell from experience my own self pitying is enough to cover for quite a few extra people.

So what is this exactly? While you're reading this, does it sound like some plea for sympathy? Empathy? Who would want to deal with this shit? The second one is hard to get seeing as when I did mention this to someone they (rightfully so) had no idea what to say because they'd never been in such a position. Fair enough. To answer, this is just a whine to make me feel better. Why are there questions in this? I have no idea.

God I write so much shit.

My thoughts on this matter are heaps jumbled. I'll put forward an idea to get angsty and unhappy about and then logically refute it in my own mind. For instance...

I feel like I need some fellow affirmation that me being gay is fine and nothing to be unhappy about.
Who the hell is just going to say that to you? It doesn't matter if someone else tells you because it's what you think in the end that counts. How pathetic.

Gosh the self smackdown is severe.

And my train of thought crashes into a tree.



I don't speak German but I wish I could.
I don't like girls but I wish I did.

How pathetic.

I'm letting it cripple me, myself. I'll fix myself. I'll deal with it. What alternative is there? There's no point in wishing. I'm stuck here.